By: Heather Seebach
Texas Dildo Masquerade (1998)
The Texas Vibrator Massacre (2008) is kinda like a XXX version of the 2003 Texas Chain Saw Massacre remake, but I prefer the Texas Dildo Masquerade because it follows Tobe Hooper's original closely (and hilariously). Instead of Leatherface, there is Pussyface and his/her crazy family who makes dildos. There are even dildos hanging from the cieling instead of meat hooks. Amazing. The film stars Tabitha Stevens and, in the role of the wheelchair-bound Franklin, Ron Jeremy.
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| A surprisingly good re-creation of the last scene. |
Gums (1976)
Right on the heels of Steven Spielberg's hit Jaws came the aptly-titled (softcore) porn parody, Gums. Instead of a great white eating the locals, it is a horny mermaid who blows men until their cocks fall off. There are also horny hand puppets, Nazis, and endless dick jokes.
Re-Penetrator (2004)
If bloody blow jobs are your thing, look no further. Every sex scene in this one is soaked in red which, even to a gore-hound like me, is pretty revolting. In this parody, Dr. Hubert Breast (ha) re-animates his dead stripper girlfriend and they...oh, you know.
Porno Holocaust (1981)
Directed by Joe D'Amato, this Italian porno obviously follows in the tradition of Cannibal Holocaust and Cannibal Ferox. A group of scientists studying an island nuclear testing site are attacked by mutants. And in between there's a bunch of fucking. This was shot concurrently with D'Amato's Erotic Nights of the Living Dead, which is pretty similar.
Evil Head (2012)
Of the porn parodies on this list, I think this one has the highest production value. The set, costumes, and make-up look great, and it looks very faithful to the first two films. This one is from the same people behind Re-Penetrator, but it already looks way better, take a look:
Driller: A Sexual Thriller (1984)
Yep, the John Landis-directed Michael Jackson video has a porn parody. In this one, a female fan of "Mr. J" has sexual fantasies about the pop singer which involve zombies, werewolves, hunchbacks, and Richard Nixon masks.
Hung Wankenstein (2001)
Okay, so this isn't strictly horror, but I could not resist that title. A parody of a parody, this porno takes on Mel Brook's classic Young Frankenstein, with a failed doctor traveling to his grandfather's estate to create a monster. Only somehow that leads to fucking and sucking. Evidently, this one is very funny. There's even a literal "roll-in-ze-hay" sex scene!
Here's another brilliant title I could not resist. Who knew that Tales from the Crypt had a porn parody?! Well, it's pretty loose, but it does involve five stories, hosted by a punny fella named the "Clit Master." Sold!
The XXXorcist (2006)
In this follow-up to Re-Penetrator, Father Merkin has to literally fuck the devil out of young Regan MacFeel. As you might expect, a crucifix gets put naughty places and Satan squirts split pea soup. As the tagline says, "When the Devil is inside, the power of Christ cumpels you!"
Gayracula (1983)
That photo says it all, huh? But wait - the lead vampire character is named Count Gaylord. He stalks the streets of Los Angeles for victims and his nemesis named...wait for it...Marquis de Suede.
**Bonus: Ikase Royale (????)
This is a bonus since Battle Royale is not horror per say, but it is generally adored by us horror fans. In this one, Japanese pornstars in school uniforms are forced not to survive, but to go without sex. The competitors are given a bag containing a sex toy. The winner of the competition girl is rewarded with sex from the teacher (sorry, it's not Takeshi Kitano).
If you're really into these porn parodies, you can find a TON of them. These all exist: The Human Sexipede, Scream XXX, Friday the 13th Porn Parody, This Ain't Jaws, Silence of the Lambs Porn Parody, The Blair Witch A Triple X Thriller, Saw: A Hardcore Parody, Twilight Zone Porn Parody, Paranormal Activity: A Hardcore Parody, An American Werewolf in London Porn Parody, This Isn't Piranha 3DD, etc. etc.
Happy Valentine's Day!
